Spring Forward

I didn’t actually mean for this to be an everyday thing, but alas, here we go again. 

Today I bough nail polish & nail stencils! It’s not super great, but it was fun.

My next nail project is going to be THIS. It looks awesome & relatively easy.

I  MADE A CAT!

Now he can hang out with his new friends, Small Giraffe & Small Crab!

Yesterday I made Stapler Shark. He’s scary!

Clearly, my life is overwhelmingly busy. What should I make tomorrow??

Apparently carding people when they buy cold medicine is to help eliminate children from buying it and making actual drugs. My question is, how the hell did today’s kids get to be smart enough to turn cold meds into drugs?

If I were to try that, I would end up drinking half a bottle of Tylonol PM and falling asleep. I would wake up the next morning, all groggy and squinty, and be like “aww man, what a wild night that was!” But it wouldn’t be wild at all. It would be pathetic.

Sitting in my underwear on tumblr…because I took my pants off after work, but I’m too lazy to find shorts to put on.

ostensiblyawesome:

Add looking up things to cook then despairing at my lack of money, and you have my summer.

oh-crud:

Spending my days living off of crosswords puzzles and netflix instant.

1. When a cashier is standing at their register with no one in their line, do not go over to them and tell them they look a) bored or b) lonely. They are not lonely, they are merely taking the opportunity to breathe without having to ask “hi how are you?”. They most likely are bored, but you would be too if you were stuck standing in one spot touching money and dusty packages for 8+ hours at a time.

2. When you ask your cashier “how are you?” and they respond with “good” don’t tell them they’re lying. They already know that they’re lying. If your cashier actually answered how they felt honestly, you would probably go complain about them to their manager.

3. If you pay with large denominations of cash (i.e. $20, $50, or $100) and the cashier takes out a marker to check the bills, stop pretending you “just printed the money an hour ago”. You didn’t print this money yourself. You didn’t invent that joke. 28 other old men said the same thing to that cashier within the past hour and a half. Don’t be a statistic.

4 If you choose to get cash back when using your debt card, don’t tell the cashier you want it in ones or quarters. You will not get a laugh. You will see a flash of panic streak across their face for fear that you are one of those people. Once the cashier realizes you’re joking you will be met with a blank stare, making everything more awkward for you.

None of these jokes are original or funny. Please stop using them. As a side note, finding the exact change after the transaction is complete and then trying to apply it to the payment is a waste of everyone’s time. Stop doing that too.

Except Your Bladder.

Seriously. Had a bad day at work/school? Come home, dog greets you at the door, tail wagging to make you feel better. Wake up sick & feel like poo all day? Dog understands and remains at the side of your bed/sofa for the duration of the day. Making a turkey sandwich? Dog is right there at your feet letting you know that there are hungry children in Africa, so all leftovers should be disposed of into the dog’s mouth. Out on a walkie and you need to pee? Ahahaha…no.

My dad and I gave my dog a bath yesterday because she was smelling narsty. In an effort to dry her off after, I grabbed the leash to take her around the neighborhood. What I didn’t account for was the fact that throughout the course of the morning I drank roughly a liter of water and I had to pee. Bad. 

After letting my dog stop and pee on every mailbox we passed (approximately 42) I decided we would take the shorter route back to our house, rather than continue around my 250-mailbox neighborhood. Any and all attempts to turn and/or go across the street were made in vain. I assumed my dog was just confused about why I was altering out typical route.

I explained out loud and in plain English (which my dog is fluent in) that I had to pee real bad and unlike her couldn’t just go where ever I pleased. She blinked at me in understanding, then proceeded to drag me toward the other side of the neighborhood away from our house and bathroom. When we finally made it back home, she gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Penny frolicking around the yard, not caring about how much I have to pee.

“Yelling At Cats”

That probably sounds terrible. But its so funny. Mainly when my mom is the one doing the yelling, and my cat is on the receiving end. Cats are (for the most part) soul-less creatures. They care only about themselves. Having a cat in your family is like having a mini cult leader living with you…only you’re not allowed to join their cult.

Contrary to what that paragraph implies, I love cats. I think they’re hysterically funny.  They don’t give a shit about anything. I want to model my life after a cat’s way of thinking. All I want in life is for my cat to love me. So why do I think yelling at cats is funny? It’s not the actual act of yelling. Its the non-reaction that is the result of the yelling, making the yeller even more angry.

For example, my cat loves to eat plastic bags if he’s dissatisfied with the flavor of food given to him. My mother is very stubborn and refuses to throw away perfectly good cat food just because he doesn’t like it. After my cat gnaws on a plastic bag for a bit, he will inevitable vomit that bag up. Usually on the family room rug and/or into his food dish. My mother’s immediate reaction is to yell at the cat.

But cats are different from dogs and children. When you yell at a child they will cry and possibly apologize. When you yell at a dog they physically sulk around and beg for your forgiveness for as long as it takes them to get it. When you yell at a cat, they continue sleeping on the sofa like nothing is happening. Maybe if you’re loud enough they will wake up and walk slowly and calmly out of the room. If they’re in an overly sassy mood, they return to the kitchen and chew on another plastic bag.

Yelling at cats is fruitless. It gives more satisfaction to the cat than it does to you. And yet it continues to happen in my house several times a month. Each time it happens, no matter how angry my mom is at the cat, I crack up laughing. I usually get yelled at for that too.

a killer, waiting for the right moment to strike.

Old Lady Cashier: Julie, are you trying to look “sexy” *gestures to my not-low-cut-top-with-a-cami-underneath-just-in-case*

NO HOE! I DRESS LIKE THIS EVERYDAY! It’s called we work at Target and they make us wear red shirts. I have 2 red shirts. This is one of them. I’ve worn it at least 3 times a week for the past year and a half. If I was every trying to look “sexy” Target wouldn’t even make my list of places to do it. And it wouldn’t be a question.

—5 minutes later—

*Old Lady Cashier walk to my register and looks at my screen*
Old Lady Cashier: How’s your speed score…oh, you have 100%. (<—condescending voice) My scores are always terrible.

NO ONE CARES! Least of all me. You get bad speed scores because you’re slow. Go faster. Stop complaining to me.

—shortly after that—

New-ish Cashier: Julie, could you help me with this redcard?
Me: Give me a second, let me finish with this guest.
*Other Cashier goes over to help*
Me: Thanks Other Cashier!
Old Lady Cashier: Isn’t it funny you and I have no idea how to help with redcards because we never do them?

I DO REDCARDS ALL THE TIME! I taught New-ish Cashier how to do redcards. Don’t start with me lady. Not even a little bit. I hate my job already, don’t make me hate it even more.

I just can’t seem to get the motivation to exercise. Blerg. 5 hours of Target-ing is a workout, right?

and I will not complain that I’m only working 4 hours tomorrow. That’s 4 more hours I’m getting paid than if I was sitting at home watching TLC. When I leave at 5:30 tomorrow I will have made enough money to go see 3-ish movies in theaters. I like movies, therefore, I will like tomorrow.

…stare for 24 seconds until it moves a little bit. Then back out in a slow panic, shutting the door firmly behind you (Brushing imaginary spiders off your legs is acceptable at this point). Use other bathroom to wash your hands. Pray the spider doesn’t figure out how to escape while you’re sleeping. Hope to God someone else takes care of it before you have to go in there again.

Fucking Spiders.

Aka 97 pictures of permanent Duck Face. So unfortunate.

My family was bored today so we went to K-mart to walk around…

I need to get out of this town.

end up having a strained FBchat conversation about The Office that gets dragged on for too long. hoo-boy…

Just spending some quality time with my NBC friends all night!

And no, that’s not a euphemism for anything.

I just finished watching the movie “Morning Glory”. Overall, not a bad movie by any means. It wasn’t cinematic excellence, but it was fun…and terrifying. After spending 4 months working for and observing a small morning talk show with less-than-stellar ratings I can personally vouch for the accuracy of this movie. It was spot on with a lot of the stuff that happened. Conversations in that movie were over-exaggerated conversations I heard at least once a month. There’s a very good chance that movie is a crystal ball looking into my future, and I must say, I’m pretty okay with that.

Just watched the finale of Survivor. The winner (who’s wife won the million 10 years ago when they were both on) not only won the million this time, but also won an extra $100,000 for being the “fan favorite”. Meanwhile in the real world I’ve got $600 to my name, a car insurance payment, a desperate need for new tires on my car, and a phone bill…and I actually thought I would be able to buy myself a new computer and FCPX at the end of the summer. Silly me.

…I just made my mom kill 2 stink bugs in my room. I feel like I’m not ready to actually be an adult.

Kev: What’s your favorite TV show?

Me: I don’t know.

Kev: Come on, just pick one!

Me: Ok…I like the X-Files

Kev: Dad and I are going to the mall. We’re going to get you one of those “chest bras” with the X-files on it. *walks away like its no big deal*

That’s exactly what I need right now. A “chest bra” with the X-files on it…from my brother…and my father.

Texting conversation I’m currently having with a friend I haven’t seen in over a year—

Friend: Let’s get kiwi!!

Me: I’m always game for semi-exotic fruits.

Friend: Haha, have you been there yet?

Me: Kiwi is a place? Silly me for eating them with strawberry things…

*UPDATE*
Kiwi is a new froyo place. Here’s how I found out—

Friend: The new froyo place that’s all the rage in collegeville!

Me: Things I love: desserts, frozen things, yogurt. I’m in!

I really couldn’t care less.